words, words, words

The last time I wrote things were not going so swimmingly for me. Not much has changed but my attitude definitely has. I am notoriously hard on myself. I tend to get into spirals of self pitying behavior and I abhor myself for doing that and then it just creates a vicious cycle. When I look at the big picture, I clearly see that I am lucky and privileged in so many ways. Simply being white and American automatically make me luckier than 90% of the world. That being said, it is still hard on a day to day basis to live life when things are not breaking your way. When this happens to me, I try to step back and have some perspective. I went to my doctor today to get results of my physical. I have been feeling crappy and with my past history of thyroid issues, I thought it would be a good time to get a check up. I also have gained 8 pounds over the winter which is alarming. While I was waiting to be seen by the doctor, I looked around at the other people waiting: an overweight man in a whee...

Life has never felt so raw as it does right now. I have had a bunch of set backs lately that have sent me reeling. Sometimes just when you think you have a handle on things, the universe says, "Ha, you thought you were in charge of your life didn't you?" I guess I still have much to learn. I really thought I had it all together. I was enjoying my down time being unemployed: practicing yoga, doing meditation, spending time with friends, writing - all positive, growing into a better person activities. I was so proud of myself. Then self doubt starting creeping in; slowly so I didn't really notice it at first. It started with me starting to watch the show, "My 600 lb life." If you have never seen this show, I advise you strongly to stay away. One episode turned into 2 which turned into me going through every episode on demand I could find. Let me give you a brief rundown of what this show is about in case you didn't get it from the title. It follows people ...

This quote so beautifully sums up my motto for 2017. I really am determined to live this way. Its so easy to do this when you are unemployed which I currently am. It has got me thinking though about how we all actually live our lives. Busy is better and we rush through every second without even noticing what is happening. We never just sit still; we never just breathe; we never just BE. Over the last few days I am taking time to just sit. Not even in meditation. I'm just sitting and appreciating my life as it is right now. A lot of times when life has not gone the way I have wanted, I justify all the things I have done or make silent lists of why I am ok, and DO things like obsessively searching for jobs, doing chores, etc. This time around although I am not working life is exactly as it should be and I am content. This is a HUGE step for me. I'm waking up happy in the mornings. I laze around for a while sipping coffee, petting my cats. I do check my facebook and email and p...

I left my job this week. Ok before you start thinking that I cursed my boss and left in a puff of anger and indignation, let me set you straight. I left on my own volition and feel better about the decision than anything I have done in a very long time. In my exit interview, a red string I was wearing on my wrist that was given to me by my Jewish best friend fell off. The string is said to guard against negativity and offer the wearer protection, and will fall off when it is no longer needed. There was no clearer sign that I was doing the right thing. It has been a journey years in the making but specifically this year I took steps to ensure that I was indeed becoming a person I am proud of.  My daily yoga and meditation has made me pay closer attention to the signs the universe sends me. I slow my mind down and listen instead of letting the incessant ego center chatter take over. It told me in a kind loving way to that it was time to leave. I won't bore you with the details of wha...

There is so much going on right now in my life and in the world. We are living in a very scary time. There are terrorist attacks happening all over the world and too often to feel safe. We also are in the midst of a racial war in this country. Black men are being shot by the police for no reason. I don't believe this is a new occurrence but now that we can record everything, we are more exposed to it. Our current presidential race is also contributing to this because the Republican front runner is a huge bigot and racist. People are angry and confused and upset. You can feel it in the air. I step onto the subway every day fearful of something happening. I live in New York City where there is certainly a higher possibility of some kind of attack happening and it is frightening. We can not always live with our flight or fight response activated in our bodies. It causes undue stress and leads to a society of unhealthy, fearful people. I also feel helpless as many people do right now. ...

I turn 41 today. It has been a year full of reflection, growth and change. Last year at this time, so much was in flux. I was living in New Jersey, working full time as a fitness manager, going through my husbands unemployment trial, researching new places to live and having no idea where life was moving me. Since that time, life has stabilized. There is still so much in flux but there is equally as much that is secure. I am no longer wondering about where we will live in 3 months, I am not searching for a new job, I am not worrying and stressing about every inane detail of my life and most importantly, I am content. I know that life will always have its challenges and unexpected turns but I am learning (and it is a process) of accepting life as is and not wishing I was somewhere else. It doesn't mean I don't want certain things like my own  place to live and more financial security but I am happy with what life brings moment to moment. I am not always planning ahead anymore an...